posted by Sodapop on Apr 12
Archive for the ‘recovery’ Category
posted by Sodapop on Apr 12
In Gambler’s Anonymous, the one affirmation I hear over and over again, is “One Day At A Time.” All 12 step programs use this affirmation. All recovery or drug rehabilitation centers use this affirmation. What exactly does it mean?
Some people take it quite seriously and don’t make plans or set goals at all. While others will set goals and each day get a little closer to that goal. For me, I set small goals I know are attainable for me. I’ve always had a commitment issue and have sometimes been a GREAT starter, while being a POOR finisher.
When I first went into Gambler’s Anonymous, I was angry because I could “never” gamble again. This was overwhelming for me. Being a member of GA, I felt that “never” gambling again was my only option. However, throughout the first few weeks, I learned I didn’t have to say or believe that I would never gamble again. I only had to believe I would not gamble for TODAY. Today. One day. One tiny, small 24 hour period was all I needed to worry about.
As I worked the 12 Steps of Recovery with my sponsor, I learned how to take that One Day At A Time affirmation and make it evolve into my everyday life, not just my addiction recovery. It was an empowering moment when I realized that this affirmation could not only help me stop gambling, but it could also help me live my life in a more peaceful, serene way. What a blessing that has been for me.
I hope anyone who is suffering out there, whether with addiction, depression, anxiety, disease or whatever ails you, know and discover this affirmation. It can be freeing and give you hope in the darkest of hours. I know it does for me.
Thanks for letting me share….
posted by Sodapop on Mar 30
I’ve been going to church regularly for a couple of months now. The only time I’ve missed it since the beginning of February, is when I’ve been out of town in Indy.
During the course of going to church, I’ve learned lots of new Christian songs to fill up my iPod with and listen too when I feel the need.
Today, the service was about doing the right thing when no one is looking. It’s the first of a four week series at church focusing on the book of Daniel from the Old Testament. It was an awesome service today, BTW.
Some of the songs they do in church make me feel a little weird, cause you know I’m not used to this yet. I’m not used to singing and worshipping. I’m getting there though and I don’t feel like such dork singing along anymore either.
Today, one of the Worship Leaders did a song called Undo by Rush of Fools. It is the BEST song I have ever heard in my life. Not just Christian song. Not just rock song. But THE BEST SONG I have ever heard in my life. It’s got an alternative rock sound to it and it’s just phenomenal. I actually started crying this morning when Dan sang this song.
Rush of Fools - Undo
I’ve been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You’ll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I’ve been known to be[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve becomeI focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I’ve been known to be[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve becomeMake every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
What I’ve become
While most of the people in the church were singing with their voices raised, I was sobbing through the lyrics, thinking of the GA program and God and how each has impacted me in some way and have helped me back to this place I’m in today.
I can’t do this myself. I can’t undo what I’ve become, but while working the 12 steps of recovery, I found out that He can undo what I’ve become and that, is very powerful for me.
Until next time….
posted by Sodapop on Mar 29
As I was setting up the literature for last night’s meeting, I came across this “Information Packet” that I had never seen before. I picked it up and read it while I waited for other members of GA to arrive.
In this Packet, there is a list of questions to test your survival “fitness” in GA. I thought I would share the questions AND my answers with you here.
If you cannot answer yes to at least seven (7) of these questions, you may not be putting enough into the GA program to assure your survival. It must be remembered we are battling a baffling and insidious illness and must be ever vigilant!
- Do you attend meetings regularly, at least once a week? I attend meetings on Monday nights and Friday nights regularly, as well as one or two more when the mood strikes me.
- Do you continue to identify yourself regularly by sharing your experiences, strength and hope? Yes I do. I share at every meeting I go too and depending on if there are new members or not, I share what this program has given me, my experiences while gambling and my hope for a better future.
- Do you make 12 step calls? Yes I do. I am on the phone with GA members every day, some here in the Ville and some back home in Vegas.
- Do you sponsor members? I currently sponsor one person in Vegas.
- Do you regularly use the telephone list? See my answer to #3.
- Do you share your knowledge and experiences with other members at all times? Yes.
- Do you participate in Pressure Relief Group meetings? I have not done this yet.
- Do you maintain regular personal and social contact with other GA members? Yes I do.
- Do you lend your assistance in planning, attending and supporting GA functions - groups, intergroups, open meetings, banquets, conferences, picnics, etc? Actively involved in the planning of the conference this year, as well as previous committee membership for conferences, intergroups and picnics.
- Do you regularly support the GA group, ISO, regional office, intergroups and other GA functions with your contributions? As much as possible, yes.
- Do you continue to try and maintain the “how,” honesty, open mindedness and willingness? Yes I do.
- Do you try to live life One Day At A Time? Absolutely.
- Do you continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong, promptly admit it? Yes I do.
- Do you continue to remove your defects of character and shortcomings through working the 12 Steps of Recovery? Yes, daily.
- Place principles before personalities? Since leaving Las Vegas, I have found this much easier to accomplish!
- Do you continue to seek the help of a power greater than yourself in trying to maintain a normal way of thinking and living? Yes, I am constantly in contact with my Higher Power.
- Do you continue to NOT tempt or test yourself by not associating with people who gamble and not going in or near gambling establishments? Yes
- Do you continue to be aware that your gambling compulsion is only “arrested” and not “cured”? Yes I do.
- Do you personally participate in public relations for GA through radio, T.V., newspapers and speaking engagements? I have not done this yet.
- Do you continue to apply the GA principles (12 Steps) in all your affairs and carry the GA message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers? Yes I do.
I am very involved in GA. I’m sure anyone who reads either of my blogs knows this. I sometimes schedule my social life around GA events, especially if they are out of town. I am very close to the program and I strive to remain that way everyday.
Ever since I moved here, I have felt more connected to the program and my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.
Thanks for letting me share.
posted by Sodapop on Feb 2
I sometimes forget I have two blogs. And here I was thinking of starting a third one for my recovery stuff? LOL What was I thinking?
I had a GREAT day today. I went over to Lexington to a mini conference with some other GA members.. It was a day full of laughter, friendship and fellowship. The workshops were wonderful and I may have some job leads out of this. I’m saving that post until tomorrow, after I’ve slept on all the things that happened today.
I’m feeling much better than I was Monday and Tuesday. I’m more determined and am re-focusing on my purpose here. I’m still scared. And I’m still frightened, but I’m not letting it freeze my emotions up and I see a light at the end of the tunnel, which I did not see 6 days ago.
It’s only through the Grace of God that I’m here today and for that, I’m forever grateful.
Until next time…
posted by Sodapop on Jan 28
It’s only through the Grace of God that I’m here tonight. Without His Grace, I would be lost and not know who I am.
I know who I am. I know what I stand for. Yet, all these bad things are happening to me. Some of them quite small and insignificant. Some of them are huge and seemingly impossible to scale and get through.
I sometimes sit and think, what bad deed or misdeed is this Karma for? I have a tumultuous past, which I have made no secret of. I have made most of my amends that need to be made. I don’t understand. I’ve forgiven myself, I’ve given my life and belief over to a Power greater than myself.
I pray every day. I do the next right thing everyday. I’m at a loss as to why some bad shit happens to good people. Or at least to people who are trying to be good and who have improved their lives. I see it all the time. I see bad things happen to good people. I used to look at those situations and think “thank GOD it’s not me.”
Since I moved to the Ville, I have had quite a few bad things happen to me. And I look at myself in the mirror and think “what’s my part in this?” Am I doing the next right thing? Am I doing what I need to do to make sure I’m not hurting anyone today? Did I help someone today? Did I work my 12th step? Did I find my conscious contact with God, of my understanding, today?
Most days, I answer yes to all of those questions and then days like today happen and I don’t want to do shit. I don’t want to work the program. I don’t want to think in a recovery way. I want to hide and run and self destruct. I want to hurt myself. I want to blame myself for any bad thing that has happened to me. It’s pathetic some days.
I went to a meeting tonight and shared my fears. I shared my anguish and I cried. I practically sobbed. It felt good. It felt right to share that. I do not, however, feel better now than I did when I walked into that meeting. This rarely happens. Normally when I’m feeling all buggy and shit, I go to a meeting and I feel 10 times better. That did not happen tonight. I don’t feel any better. I don’t feel any worse, but I don’t feel better.
I will just keep sharing what I’m feeling and share from my heart. I’ll just keep going to meetings and talking to my sponsor.
This is my journey in growth and recovery. This is my journey that has no end until the Good Lord takes me home.
Until next time…
posted by Sodapop on Dec 29
I had a mini melt down this evening while on the phone with my sponsor. I told her about all of my fears and how horrible I’m feeling emotionally. She talked to me for awhile, lectured me for a bit and in the end, inspired me to work on getting out of this funk.
Fear = Fuck Everything And Run or it could mean Face Everything And Recover. It’s really my choice on which one I want to do. My fear of running out of money (which is not within a week of happening) has frozen me into this depressed state that I can’t seem to punch out of. It’s like I’m in a brown paper bag, trying to rip at it to get out and I can’t.
Why can’t I? I won’t LET myself. My disease tells me it’s better to think negatively and worry about things than to let it go and let my Higher Power handle it. From one of the suggestions Sheila gave me, I’m going to be writing some stuff and putting it in my God box that my friend Renee made me.
On the 2nd of January, I’m planning on finding some employment temp agencies and walking my resume in to them. I’ve emailed it to a few of the companies, but have gotten no response. So it’s time I meet them face to face.
I’m watching the Patriots and Giants game right now. The Pats are looking to make some serious football history tonight. I’m secretly hoping the Giants win. I didn’t say I’m predicting it, I’m just hoping for it. It’s not that I don’t like the Patriots, cause I do. I like Tom Brady and think he’s one incredible quarterback. I’m a Giants fan, so I want them to win. Period.
I digress. I’ve been feeling horrible since my interview yesterday. The interview itself went extremely well. It’s the timeline of the hiring process that has me feeling so horrid. The next step is not until the end of January and the step after that is mid-February and the actual hire time would not be until March sometime. Hence why I’m going to a temp agency, just to get me working. At least with a little bit of income, my money won’t run out as fast as with no income. Right?
I’ve been doing a lot of paid posts and that helps a little bit. Especially for groceries and what not. I still need to get the girls licensed and taken care of at a vet. I need to call them this next week too. I have a vet’s office just across the street from my apartment complex, so it’s not like it’ll be inconvenient or anything.
When I get into these funks, I just don’t want to do anything. I just don’t give a fuck about anything. If I wouldn’t end up homeless and sleeping in my car with the girls, I wouldn’t do anything. I would let myself lay on the couch all day in my PJ’s, watching TV.
This is not me. I do not do this. I do not lay down and let shit roll over me the way I have been the last two days. I’m going to find a way out of this funk. And I’m going to do it within a few days. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of feeling lonely. I’m just tired. I’m tired of beating myself up. I’m tired of kicking myself while I’m down. I need to give myself a break and find my way out of this.
Until next time…
posted by Sodapop on Nov 30
I was going through my Wordperfect files and I found this. I wrote it 6/30/05 - just 12 days after Todd passed. I wanted to share it because I still feel this way. Some days it’s like his death just happened yesterday and I get so upset I start crying. I feel the pain all over again
My relationship with Todd D.
written by: Sodapop
6/30/05I met Todd during a bowling league season at the Gold Coast. I was on Gladys C’s team and he was on Virginia’s team. We both had about 13/14 months in the program at that time. I had been spending most of my meetings at Unity and he at Steps. We become fast and furious friends. We spent tons of time together and were pretty much inseparable. We eventually compared our relationship to that of TV’s Will and Grace. At one point, we were hanging out with Melanie and we were the three stooges (or musketeers - whichever you wanted to call us). The three of us would go to the Big Inning to watch Buffalo Bills games - since Todd and Melanie were such fans of the Bills. The three of us did a lot of stuff together and hung out quite a bit. This helped me get to know them both a lot better. I’ll always be grateful and blessed to have had that time with them both.
Todd and I had a rule. To always be honest and up front with each other - whether the other wanted to hear it or not. He was good at it too! We had only one small disagreement in our 3 year friendship. Amazingly, we were over it within about 30 seconds - and it was so insignificant that I could not tell you today what it was about.
We talked on a regular basis(not every day tho) and made sure we met face to face at least once (if not more) during the week. At one point, we were text messaging each other about 20 times a day. We talked about everything going on in our lives. We talked about work, we talked about men, we talked about GA and we talked about God. We talked about how grateful we were that we were able to come into this program at a fairly young age and single.
Being single in this program made it easier for us to go through our shit - we didn’t have to answer to anyone on how often we went to meetings or anything else of that nature.
Todd and I discussed major life changes and issues going on in our lives. He walked with me through the whole year and four months when I worked for the BFB of a boss. He walked with me through everything else I went through (whether I put myself through it or other outside sources put me through it.) He once bought me a HUGE pink stuffed bunny rabbit, after something traumatic I put myself through. On Monday I renamed this bunny Todd-O.
We would buy each other dinner, cigarettes, sodas, whatever we needed if the other was strapped for cash. We took each other to the movies (a lot!). One of our favorite movies was Eurotrip. It was so ridiculous it was funny and we laughed about that movie for over a year after seeing it. We also loved Connie and Carla. I guess I could make a laundry list of things we both loved and things we had in common.
Todd made me feel loved, cared for and comfortable in my own skin. He helped me overcome a very low self esteem issue and he encouraged me when I was doing the weight loss thing. He encouraged me to do whatever it was I wanted to do. He encouraged me to travel more - when I got bit with the travel bug. We even talked about going to Hawaii, New York City and a few other places together. I was talking to my friend Tobe today and she put it perfectly when she said “Whenever I was around him - I felt better about myself. He would automatically raise my self esteem. Everyone needs a Todd in their life.” I’d have to agree 100% with her on that.
Todd and I both struggled with principles before personalities. We struggled with this a lot and we helped each other through a lot. We would gossip and we would criticize and then we would be over it and move on with our day. Todd and I would just look at each other and know the other’s thoughts. Todd was one of the best friends I have ever had in my life and I will be lucky if I ever have as many people who love me as that loved him. I would share a dream or thought with Todd and he would encourage me to do whatever it was I was dreaming/thinking of doing. He was so incredibly loving towards me and others. As someone once shared - when I grow up I want to be just like him.
During the last week, I have not once asked God “Why Todd?” I already know the answer to that. Todd was a guardian angel in the making and he accomplished whatever it was he was sent here to do. I will miss him and it breaks my heart to know that this is not a nightmare and I won’t be waking up anytime soon and find him laughing over some silly thing.
Todd and I used to follow each other everywhere. We were inseparable, as I’ve mentioned. Todd has gone somewhere I can not follow today. Todd has gone somewhere that I hope to NOT follow him anytime soon. As pained as I am and as horribly as my heart is breaking - I want to live. I want to live each day for what it’s worth and be happy with my life again. Todd taught me so many things about enjoying myself and enjoying life in general.
I will never forget you, Todd. You will forever be in my heart and soul.
I love you. You were Will to my Grace and that is how it will be….forever - rest in peace my friend - you deserve it.Thanks for letting me share.
posted by Sodapop on Oct 30
Normally, you would think a recovering compulsive gambler would not want to blog about something like this. However, I’d like to share a story. Shortly before I stopped gambling and entered GA, I started playing online poker. At first I did it for fun, cause I couldn’t see putting my credit card numbers online and using that money for gambling.
And then the bells and whistles of websites like Pro360.com cause my attention. They had me hook, line and sinker. I think in a normal way, online casinos can be just as fun as the regular casino. You just don’t have to deal with the smoke, the noise or the other people around you.
Pro360 offers the player/gambler many things in the review department of online casinos. They offer advice on which are the best and they give some editors choices. Pro360 shows you the casinos with the best payouts and bonuses.
There is an Online Casino FAQ where any of your questions can be answered. It’s all there at their website. If you’re looking for some gambling fun, that is healthy and normal (unlike the way I used to do it) then I think you’ll really enjoy this review website. Check it out.
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posted by Sodapop on Oct 14
If you’re never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances ~ Julia Soul
How true is that? I believe that if we don’t take chances, we lose out on all that this life has to offer. It reminds me of the Garth Brooks song, Standing Outside the Fire. I love that song (which I know I’ve mentioned here before). If we stand outside of that fire and we never jump in, we’ll never know all the wonderful things that are possible. Don’t ya think?
If I live my life in fear of being rejected or in fear of being hurt, I short change myself on all the possibilities that are open to me. I can be very shy and introverted at times and that’s when I’m feeling scared or hurt and don’t want to get hurt even more. I tend to be that way with my relationships with men mostly. My girlfriends rarely see that introverted, shy side of me. But put me around a man I’m interested in? OY VEY!
I’ve had so many issues with men in my life. Either from my own doing or from theirs, it’s amazing I keep trying. But again, I’m a firm believer that if I do not take a chance, I’ll never know. And I personally would rather have 30 minutes of happiness than a lifetime of misery. I heard something similar to that in a movie and it’s stuck with me for years.
Did I mention my arms hurt and they are bruised and scratched up. The left one is even a little swollen from climbing that brick wall yesterday. GAH! I won’t be doing that again anytime soon. Trust me on that
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