Shutterbuggin’ With Sodapop

posted by Sodapop on Jan 28

It’s only through the Grace of God that I’m here tonight.  Without His Grace, I would be lost and not know who I am.

I know who I am.  I know what I stand for.  Yet, all these bad things are happening to me.  Some of them quite small and insignificant.  Some of them are huge and seemingly impossible to scale and get through.

I sometimes sit and think, what bad deed or misdeed is this Karma for?  I have a tumultuous past, which I have made no secret of.   I have made most of my amends that need to be made.  I don’t understand.   I’ve forgiven myself, I’ve given my life and belief over to a Power greater than myself.

I pray every day.  I do the next right thing everyday.   I’m at a loss as to why some bad shit happens to good people.  Or at least to people who are trying to be good and who have improved their lives.   I see it all the time.  I see bad things happen to good people.  I used to look at those situations and think “thank GOD it’s not me.”

Since I moved to the Ville, I have had quite a few bad things happen to me.  And I look at myself in the mirror and think “what’s my part in this?”  Am I doing the next right thing?  Am I doing what I need to do to make sure I’m not hurting anyone today?  Did I help someone today?  Did I work my 12th step?  Did I find my conscious contact with God, of my understanding, today?

Most days, I answer yes to all of those questions and then days like today happen and I don’t want to do shit.  I don’t want to work the program.  I don’t want to think in a recovery way.  I want to hide and run and self destruct.   I want to hurt myself.  I want to blame myself for any bad thing that has happened to me.  It’s pathetic some days.

I went to a meeting tonight and shared my fears.  I shared my anguish and I cried.  I practically sobbed.  It felt good.  It felt right to share that.   I do not, however, feel better now than I did when I walked into that meeting.  This rarely happens.  Normally when I’m feeling all buggy and shit, I go to a meeting and I feel 10 times better.  That did not happen tonight.  I don’t feel any better.   I don’t feel any worse, but I don’t feel better.

I will just keep sharing what I’m feeling and share from my heart.   I’ll just keep going to meetings and talking to my sponsor.

This is my journey in growth and recovery.   This is my journey that has no end until the Good Lord takes me home.

Until next time…