Shutterbuggin’ With Sodapop

posted by Sodapop on Nov 30

I was going through my Wordperfect files and I found this.  I wrote it 6/30/05 - just 12 days after Todd passed.   I wanted to share it because I still feel this way.   Some days it’s like his death just happened yesterday and I get so upset I start crying.   I feel the pain all over again

My relationship with Todd D.
written by: Sodapop
6/30/05

I met Todd during a bowling league season at the Gold Coast.  I was on Gladys C’s team and he was on Virginia’s team.  We both had about 13/14 months in the program at that time.  I had been spending most of my meetings at Unity and he at Steps.  We become fast and furious friends.  We spent tons of time together and were pretty much inseparable.  We eventually compared our relationship to that of TV’s Will and Grace.   At one point, we were hanging out with Melanie and we were the three stooges (or musketeers - whichever you wanted to call us).  The three of us would go to the Big Inning to watch Buffalo Bills games - since Todd and Melanie were such fans of the Bills.  The three of us did a lot of stuff together and hung out quite a bit.  This helped me get to know them both a lot better.  I’ll always be grateful and blessed to have had that time with them both.

Todd and I had a rule.  To always be honest and up front with each other - whether the other wanted to hear it or not.  He was good at it too!  We had only one small disagreement in our 3 year friendship.  Amazingly, we were over it within about 30 seconds - and it was so insignificant that I could not tell you today what it was about.

We talked on a regular basis(not every day tho) and made sure we met face to face at least once (if not more) during the week.  At one point, we were text messaging each other about 20 times a day.   We talked about everything going on in our lives.  We talked about work, we talked about men, we talked about GA and we talked about God.   We talked about how grateful we were that we were able to come into this program at a fairly young age and single.

Being single in this program made it easier for us to go through our shit - we didn’t have to answer to anyone on how often we went to meetings or anything else of that nature.

Todd and I discussed major life changes and issues going on in our lives.  He walked with me through the whole year and four months when I worked for the BFB of a boss.  He walked with me through everything else I went through (whether I put myself through it or other outside sources put me through it.)  He once bought me a HUGE pink stuffed bunny rabbit, after something traumatic I put myself through.  On Monday I renamed this bunny Todd-O.

We would buy each other dinner, cigarettes, sodas, whatever we needed if the other was strapped for cash.  We took each other to the movies (a lot!).  One of our favorite movies was Eurotrip.  It was so ridiculous it was funny and we laughed about that movie for over a year after seeing it.  We also loved Connie and Carla.  I guess I could make a laundry list of things we both loved and things we had in common.

Todd made me feel loved, cared for and comfortable in my own skin.  He helped me overcome a very low self esteem issue and he encouraged me when I was doing the weight loss thing.  He encouraged me to do whatever it was I wanted to do.  He encouraged me to travel more - when I got bit with the travel bug.  We even talked about going to Hawaii, New York City and a few other places together.  I was talking to my friend Tobe today and she put it perfectly when she said “Whenever I was around him - I felt better about myself.  He would automatically raise my self esteem.  Everyone needs a Todd in their life.”  I’d have to agree 100% with her on that.

Todd and I both struggled with principles before personalities.  We struggled with this a lot and we helped each other through a lot.   We would gossip and we would criticize and then we would be over it and move on with our day.  Todd and I would just look at each other and know the other’s thoughts.   Todd was one of the best friends I have ever had in my life and I will be lucky if I ever have as many people who love me as that loved him.  I would share a dream or thought with Todd and he would encourage me to do whatever it was I was dreaming/thinking of doing.  He was so incredibly loving towards me and others.  As someone once shared - when I grow up I want to be just like him.

During the last week, I have not once asked God “Why Todd?”  I already know the answer to that.  Todd was a guardian angel in the making and he accomplished whatever it was he was sent here to do.  I will miss him and it breaks  my heart to know that this is not a nightmare and I won’t be waking up anytime soon and find him laughing over some silly thing.

Todd and I used to follow each other everywhere.  We were inseparable, as I’ve mentioned.  Todd has gone somewhere I can not follow today.  Todd has gone somewhere that I hope to NOT follow him anytime soon.  As pained as I am and as horribly as my heart is breaking - I want to live.  I want to live each day for what it’s worth and be happy with my life again.  Todd taught me so many things about enjoying myself and enjoying life in general.

I will never forget you, Todd.  You will forever be in my heart and soul.
I love you.  You were Will to my Grace and that is how it will be….forever - rest in peace my friend - you deserve it.

Thanks for letting me share.